Life on the Edge

I live my life on the edge.

The edge of sanity, the edge of full joy, the edge of sadness.

I teeter precariously,  sometimes leaning far over, one way or the other.

I don't dwell on it much, dwelling won't change anything.

I take action, I plan, I manage. I take joy when I can, deep breaths often, and cry occasionally.

And every so often, I'm able to move a little farther from that edge and breathe a little easier.

This week has been that for me. This week, Camp Grammie week, Marketplace week, has been God sent. My beautiful, wonderful, exhausting children have been with my mother since Sunday evening. I will welcome them home tomorrow, with open arms and a smiling face, and for a little while I will have more patience and more energy. I have had a lot of downtime this week, a massage, quiet time alone in my house, laying in the sun in my pool, and dinner dates with my husband. I have remembered what it's like to not live on the edge. I needed this. Desperately.

I have accepted that my life, with my children will never be easy. I manage them the best I can, and constantly pray for wisdom to make the right choices for them. I try not to complain, and not to ask for too much from others. I feel a tinge of guilt for taking this few days for myself, even though I know it was what I needed. I am blessed immensly by a mother that understands, offers, and takes over my burdens and blessings quite frequently.

I feel refreshed mentally, physically, and emotionally. It may be a year from now when I feel this good again, but right now, in this moment, I feel like I can make it til then.

Thanks, Mom.

I would NEVER. . .

You know how, before you had kids, you would say things like "I would never let my kids . . ." I painted parasols at a theme park for 5 summers throughout my college years, and I thought those thoughts MANY times.

I would NEVER buy my child something if he/she was throwing such a fit.

I would NEVER let my child talk to me that way.

I would NEVER let my child leave the house dressed in mismatched clothing!

Oh how God humbles us with time and children. I once heard a mother of 4 girls say, that even after having 3 kids, she was judgemental of other moms. She said that her first 3 kids were all mild-mannered, easy going kids. She thought they were this way because of her superior parenting skills. She said that she would see other mom's struggling in the grocery store or in church with their children and think, "They need to discipline that child more." Then, she said, that God gave her #4. A strong willed, highly spirited, little ball of fire. She realized then, that yes, parenting does matter of course, but that when you have a truly STRONG WILLED child, it's a whole different ball game.

I loved her for telling me that story. It makes me understand the "other" moms out there. The ones that don't have a strong willed child. It makes me understand that it's nearly impossible for someone to understand what it's like to parent one of these bright, unpredictable, witty, and stubborn children, unless they have one of their own. It gives me a forgiving spirit (most of the time) when they make ignorant comments or give me a "look." I do have a couple of good friends, who don't have strong willed children, that are capable of understanding this. I thank God for you, because you are not judgemental, and you truly have a spirit of gentleness and kindness with my child.

Another "I would never . . "

"I would never let my kids watch that annoying purple dinosaur!"

The girls just finished watching Barney!