Sunday, June 2, 2013


It's that wonderful time of year again, the time when we transition from school, to summer...

And all hell breaks loose.

I hate transition. Ellie has such a hard time during these phases of life, which happen way more often than I ever realized. She's miserable. I'm miserable. Our house is miserable. I know we'll get through it, we always do, I just pray for the day when we're not just surviving.

My (wonderful) mother loves to have our kids spend the night at her house fairly often. Last night was Ellie's turn, so yesterday evening and most of today, we had a family of four.

Last night, Jason swam and played with the kids while I relaxed in a lounge chair on the deck, and drank in the peaceful evening. This morning the four of us went to church, and as we left, the children's minister kindly remarked about how great our kids were. It was a rare, happy time.

I can't explain completely how it feels when Ellie's not with us. I enjoy it, I hate it, I can relax, I feel immense guilt...

Today I picked her up from her zoo class. She was happy, and as we headed toward home, just her and I, I found myself enjoying her stories, and for a little while I forgot to be on edge.

Half way home she exploded.

This evening she exploded again.

Her explosions rock me to my core. I hate it for her, I hate it for me. I hate it for Austin, who cries in fear. I hate it for Annie, who disappears quietly. It's not fair to any of us, especially Ellie, who hates herself more with every passing day.

I have lots of things in place to help her, now I just wait, and pray it all works.

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